SO YOU WANT TO OWN A MALAMUTE by an AMWA member   To prepare for ownership of a malamute, go to the local Veterinary Sergeon. Tip the contents of your purse/wallet onto the counter and tell him to help himself. Then go to the pet shop. Arrange to have all your wages paid directly to their bank account. Go home and read the paper in peace for the last time. Before you finally buy or rescue a malamute, find a couple who already have one and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their dog to run riot. Suggest ways in which they may improve their dogs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it ....... it'll be the last time that you will have all the answers. To discover how night feels, go to bed at 10pm. set the alarm for midnight, wake up and throw yourself violently onto the floor. Place a 56lb bag of spuds on the duvet and attempt to get back under the covers. reset the alarm for 5.30am and just as you are awakening, slap yourself in the face with a large wet sponge. goe up to make breakfast. Keep this up for 14yrs or so, try to look cheerful. Walk down the road with one arm fully extended, break into a jog, extending the arm even further. Say "Heal" nicely, several times, shout "HEEL" several times more, scream "STOP PULLING DAMN YOU!". Ignore looks from passers by. Can you stand the mess dogs make?. To find out, first throw 2 gallons of mud onto a newly mopped kithcen floor, smear the excess up the sides of the cooker and kitchen units. Tread a little into the hall and living room carpets. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and rub them on the clean walls. NOW, How does that look?? Forget the BMW and get an old banger. Buy a rawhide chew, a packet of dog biscuits and a large bone. Mash them down the back of the seats. Go to the hairdressers and obtain a weeks floor sweepings. Distribute them liberally on the seats and carpets. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect! Get ready to go out, try to sneak out of the door without making a sound. Go halfway down the garden path, come back. Five minutes later, try again. Come back. Put on stereo and make soothing noises. Try again. Ring friends and tell them to come round and see you instead. Practice sitting on not more than one eighth of the sofa and try different methods of balancing a hot cup of tea on your knees. When, if ever, you perfect this, try eating a packet of crisps/biscuits silently whilst keeping packet out of sight. Give up and spiinkle crumbly residue down back of sofa. Tie two dinner forks together and put dog lead on a hook. Rehearse picking up the dog lead silently. When it rattles scratch yourself very hard down the shins with the forks. Repeat procedure many times. Go to the sports shop and obtain a pair of goalkeepers shin pads. Add one more bit of self determination to that. Stand in front of a mirror and say to your reflection, "You are the most wonderful, gorgeous, kindest creature in the whole world and i love you, adore you, worship you. Without you, life is unthinkable, desolate. There, that should really get you ready to own a malamute.   If you find this funny you are ready for life with a mal  spot the puppy
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